Between Family, Friends and Everyone Else, Where Does Your Money Go?

You get paid, pay your bills, put a little money aside and think you can finally relax. Then a message comes through. Someone needs help with school fees. Another relative has a medical bill. There’s a wedding coming up, someone has welcomed a new baby, and a family member is asking everyone to contribute towards funeral expenses. Before you know it, your money has several destinations, and very few of them have anything to do with your own plans.

For many Africans, helping family is simply part of everyday life. When someone needs help, relatives are often expected to step in, whether it’s a parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin or someone in the wider family. If you are doing reasonably well financially, people may naturally turn to you when they need assistance. And when you live abroad, there can be an added assumption that you have more money to spare because you earn in dollars, pounds or euros.

But family requests are only part of the picture. Community obligations can take up a surprising amount of money too. There are contributions for weddings, funerals, naming ceremonies, birthdays, graduations, church activities, fundraising events and all kinds of celebrations. Even when you cannot attend, there may still be an expectation to contribute. A message goes into the WhatsApp group, someone shares payment details, and suddenly you’re expected to send your share.

None of these contributions necessarily seems like a big deal on its own. Giving $50 towards a celebration or sending $100 to help someone through a difficult situation might feel manageable. But when several requests come in over the same month, those small amounts start adding up. And unlike your rent or electricity bill, these expenses rarely appear in your monthly budget. They arrive whenever life happens, which means your financial plans are constantly being interrupted.

There is also the pressure that comes with being known as the person who has a steady job, earns a decent salary or seems to be doing well. Once people become accustomed to receiving help from you, it can be difficult to change that arrangement. Even when your own expenses increase, your financial responsibilities may not decrease. You might be saving towards a house, paying off debt, investing for retirement or trying to build an emergency fund, but those goals are not always visible to the people asking for assistance.

And sometimes, the pressure isn’t even coming from anyone else. You may feel guilty when you cannot contribute, especially when the request involves a death, illness or another difficult situation. Nobody wants to appear selfish or be the person who never helps. There are also times when you genuinely want to give because these are people you care about and communities you want to support. The problem is that giving becomes difficult when there’s little left for your own needs.

Someone can earn a very good income and still struggle to build wealth. Their salary might look impressive, but a significant portion is already committed to supporting other people. They may be earning more than they did five years ago, yet their savings have barely moved because their financial responsibilities have grown along with their income.

Think about how many people are trying to build their own lives while supporting relatives in different households, sometimes across different countries. One person might be paying a mortgage in Canada, helping parents in Cameroon, contributing to a sibling’s education and still trying to save for their children’s future. That’s a lot of financial responsibility for one household.

None of this means we should stop supporting family or participating in our communities. These relationships matter, and being there for people is part of what makes those relationships special. But helping others should not mean constantly putting your own financial plans on hold. It is okay to decide how much you can comfortably contribute, set aside money for family and community expenses, and recognise that not every request can become your responsibility.

Perhaps the real question is not how much money you earn, but how much of it you actually get to use towards building the life you want. Between family, friends and everyone else, it’s easy to spend so much time helping others that your own plans keep getting pushed aside.